Paper Cuts, Bull Penis, and Collar Grains…….

I have a crazy life. I’m also pretty sure everyone else has a crazy life, it’s just I think mine is funny and it must be documented for my grandchildren to read when I am long gone. I am the main caregiver for my husband’s parents and my time is usually juggled between them and with the grand children. My life is the family, baseball, soccer, gymnastics, and family gatherings….and all that goes with.

As I was jet setting around town in my little yellow Beetle, from assisted living to the doctor’s office to the grocery store and all points in between, a couple of funny things happened along the way.

The mom-in-law had to have a procedure done at the eye doctor’s office. So, off I went to the best assisted living facility in the entire world to pick her up. When we got back, I had to touch base with the head nurse, who just so happens to be one of my best friends. That being said, if you ask her who her best friend is, she says she has no friends.  To make the story easier to tell, her name is Dawn and she is from The South.  She says it like The South is another country.  Ya know, I am beginning to think it is. After today, I think it’s another planet.

As I went over the orders from the doc with Dawn, she asked if I wanted to try some bull penis.  I didn’t bat an eye. and said sure. You see, I am an adventuresome kind of gal.  If Dawn said she had made bull penis and did I want to try it, I would sure as heck try it!

I went behind the nurses station and she opened up a plastic container and fished out two brown things on a spoon. So, I popped them in my mouth and started to chew.  Quite abruptly, she said, “Don’t chew all the way through, open them up!”.  So I did.  It was a very soft center and that was the part you ate.  It tasted quite good. Mildly salty and a soft texture.  She asked if I liked them. I said they were good and asked how she fixed them. Here’s how it went down:


You get the raw PEANUTS, which you can get from Walmart and then you BOIL them, still in the shell, in salty water, not too salty and this is what you get.


PEANUTS?   Did you say PEANUTS?  Did you say bull peanuts?  What are you saying? (Mind you, she has a Southern accent since she is from The South and I’m thinking I just ate parts from the nether regions of a bull.)


WHAT?  I said boiled peanuts. (I hear something like bowled penis or bull penisWhat did you think I said?


I thought you asked me if I wanted to try bull penis.  Now, you are telling me it is BOILED PEANUTS.  Which is it?????

Dawn is now laughing, another nurse is laughing, and they both are looking at me like I am crazy. After we all calmed down and could actually speak, Dawn says Would you really eat a bull penis? We started laughing again.

Needless to say, we will be laughing about this for a long time. And, for the record, I would have eaten a bull penis if my best friend had made it. I’m adventuresome, what can I say.

That is not the end of it. She had two containers of what she called collar grains.  By then, my ear kicked in and I knew she was talking about collard greens. She sent a container home with me and I ate them all. I’m the only one at my house who likes them. They were cooked to perfection.  Hog jowl, turnips, and collard greens. Pretty tasty.

That leads me to the paper cuts. I had to run by the store to pick up a few things since my two granddaughters were spending the weekend with us. Stuff like tater tots, fruit, and chips. Kid food. The last time the girls were over, the youngest one was standing in front of the pantry, thoughtfully taking inventory in her head, asked me if I had any paper cuts. She said she liked the ones in the can.  APRICOTS.  It was all I could do to not to laugh at her. I just smiled and said I would get some for her the next time I was at the store. I also picked up some canned apricots (paper cuts) while at the store today.

That, my friends, was the day I had at the Gravy Company….bull penis, paper cuts, and collar grains. Have a great weekend in whatever country you live in.


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